I have now finished the meditation sessions and to be honest, I am not so sure meditation is for me. Last night, I actually fell asleep in the midst of a session. It’s three minutes. I fell asleep before the three minutes were up- with my ear buds still in, phone on my chest. I woke up in a tangled mess of wire and realized that I may very well be just too exhausted at this point in my life to devote three minutes of my life to meditating. I attribute the exhaustion to several things;
1. Baby who doesn’t enjoy sleeping at night, at least not for more than five consecutive hours at a time.
2. A toddler who gets nightmares and wakes me up after having just fallen asleep from being woken up by baby (please see no. 1).
3. Dealing with a toddler (noted previously in no 2) now starting pre school and having major regression.
And the list goes on and on. It is always something and my patience is running thin. I have looked into all sorts of ways to deal with the stress, but it seems the meditation, at least after 10 sessions, has not done a thing for me. Either I need to do it more or its just not for me. I could just chalk it up to not being something I can fix into my daily life at the moment. I am thinking I should focus on other means of dealing with my stress. I mean, this site is dedicated to mental and physical well being after all, so I need to explore other options. I do miss exercise, but I am having a difficult time squeezing in three minutes for mediation, let alone 30 minutes on a treadmill. So what is a person like me to do? How do parents, specifically mothers, do it?
I have come to the conclusion that we cannot do it all and we as mothers have this especially innate sense of “we must conquer!” we must do everything and do it exceptionally well! (Thanks Martha Stewart). It seems pretty obvious that we can’t do it all but I seem to constantly be running up against this ideal. So what to do?
I have to look at the overall perspective. I need to spend more time prioritizing- whether its making time for me, (without feeling guilty), making time for my kids and making time for my husband. This all comes down to time and what is worthy of my time. Of course family and my children are worth my time, but most important is time for myself, just to be me. I do think I neglect this most of all, and I think most mothers do. Which is so easy to do when everything else comes first- the kids, the food and meals, the errands, etc. etc. But if I neglect myself, than everyone suffers. My family, my friends, my kids. I need to be more of myself. I need to feel like an individual in addition to being a part of my team.
So maybe that meditation did teach me something- time, even taking three minutes a day is necessary for my own well being. In fact, I am pretty sure it proved to me I need way more than three minutes a day devoted to myself and that putting myself first for a few moments is something that will keep me sane, or at least make me realize although I am an individual, I am part of something bigger, an essential part of my family team, so best to take care of me, myself and I first and foremost. Guess I should focus a little more on being selfish- better get to finding time for me!